Now THIS is important.

Have you seen the Pizza Hut ad on TV where the family is arguing over what side orders to get with their pizza? They set up a straw man situation in which we are led to believe that one of the big problem faced by American families is choosing among breadsticks, wings or cinnamon sticks with frosting to accompany the pizza. Then it's Pizza Hut to the rescue with one brilliant solution: The "side sampler," which contains all three fat-filled, carbohydrate-laden snacks to have with a large fat-filled, carbohydrate-laden pizza.

I don't know about you, but apparently I didn't get the memo about this sort of thing being customary. Of course, this is petty, but jeez louise! How 'bout just having pizza???? That's pretty filling, isn't it? Maybe a tossed salad if you're feeling lettuce-deficient. And of course there's the traditional pizza accompanyment: beer. Lots and lots of beer. But I don't even have that anymore. Just a Diet Coke for me please. sigh. And the salad. Oh, well, yeah, of course the pizza. With sausage. But cinnamon sticks with frosting? Wings? What are you people, crazy? Sandie's right. I am turning into a curmudgeon.
Hey!!! You damn kids!!! Get off my lawn!

Stake Kowidge, Pennsavania

Here's my End of the Line column for the May State College Magazine:

What's the biggest pencil in the world? PENNSYLVANIA!! Pencil-vania! Get it? You don't? Well, trust me on this: you got it when you were nine. In fact, if you were me (which I'm pretty sure you weren't) you thought that was maybe the funniest joke in the world. Except for that one where the kid says, "You sure don't sweat much for a fat girl." Now that was funny! That was the height of sophisticated humor! That was... wait. Where was I going with this? Oh right. Pennsylvania. The name of our state. It's pronounced Pencil-vania.

So why does Governor Rendell pronounce it Pennsavania? It's not a regionalism either. Governor Rendell is from Philadelphia. (By the way, have you ever noticed how much he sounds like Ernest Borgnine? I can't hear him speak without the old McHale's Navy theme playing in the background.) Governor Tom Ridge used to say Pennsavania too, and he's from Erie. As a radio news anchor, I hear the speech of a great many of our Keystone State politicians, and a whole raft of them pronounce the name of the state as if it had no 'L' in it. It seems to me that the least our elected leaders could do is learn to pronounce the name of the state in which they were elected. And that goes for those who aspire to become our elected leaders as well.

So as a public service, I have done exhaustive research in an effort to discover how the current crop of incumbents and the hopefuls who would like to replace them pronounce Pennsylvania. Or rather, I would have done extensive research had I not almost completely lost interest in the subject after having made just two phone calls. Also, there was the very real danger that if I did the work necessary to produce a well-researched piece, I might be asked to do it again someday.

One call was to the office of state Senator Jake Corman. There, an aide assured me that Senator Corman always says "Pennsylvania." Of course, once I explained my question, she could have astutely assessed the situation and claimed that he used the correct pronunciation, and then deftly slipped him a note cautioning him that in future dealings with the press, he'd better be careful how he said it. Aides have to think on their feet, you know.

And then I spoke with Centre County Commissioner Scott Conklin, who would like to be the Democratic nominee for the 77th District House seat that Lynn Herman will be vacating at the end of the current term. Actually, when he saw my number pop up on his cell phone, and after having been tipped off by Mrs. Conklin as to what I was after, he answered by saying, “Hello, this is Scott Conklin, running for Representative of the 77th District of PENN - SYLLLLVANIA..." And when I told him who was calling, he said, "Gosh, Steve, I had NO IDEA that was you.”

But I've known Scott for a long time and I know he really does pronounce it correctly. We had a nice conversation during which he started to tell me about the long weekend of committee meetings in Harrisburg from which he was returning. So being the instinctive news gatherer that I am, I immediately pretended that I was losing the cell phone connection and hung up. Jeez, who wants to hear about that stuff?

And it was at that point that I came to the firm decision that if you are interested in how our politicians pronounce Pennsylvania, you can listen to them and find out. If you do, write and let me know, okay?

While we're on the subject, sort of, have you ever noticed that Pennsylvania isn't the only word that Pennsylvanians omit the 'L' from? There are a good many folks... most of whom, I think, live in the rural areas surrounding Happy Valley, who pronounce the name of this borough as if it were spelled "Stake Kowidge." I think maybe I'll do a bit of studying on this... make some phone calls, and write a well-researched... HA! Only kidding.

A Rainy Saturday Morning

It's a nice, rainy Saturday morning, and I'm sitting at the computer in my Bellefonte apartment. I live here part-time, for a number of reasons: it's much closer to work... Sandie and I need time apart... there's broadband service here and not at home... others.

But this is one of those times I love most: I'm sipping coffee, I awoke about an hour ago from one of the most delicious, deep, perfect sleeps in history. Even my dreams were particularly pleasant and well-crafted: coherent plot, well-defined characters, with just the right touch of dream fantasy and subtle humor. Oh, yes, my dreamwriters did a superlative job. It was such a good sleep that I feel I should have dressed better for it.

I hope I can see Abby The Niece this afternoon. I have a feeling that maybe her father, the Loudmouth A-hole may be trying to keep her away from me. I might mention Harry Potter to her and that, of course, would send her straight into a satanic cult. Oh, haven't I mentioned the delightful Abigail and her evil paternal unit? The idiot is the husband of my wife's simple sister. And when I say "simple" I mean in the... uh... capacity for understanding department, ifyaknowwhatImean.

Well, it doesn't seem like a great time to begin the story just yet... I'm in too mellow a mood, and I'd like to keep it that way. But stay tuned, and soon I'll get you up to date. My friends frequently ask me for updates about the frothing jackass who married my sister-in-law and sired the world's most wonderful niece... and I think perhaps this might be just the safety valve I need so I don't actually veer off the road and run over him next time I see him in his front yard. That, and the fact that I just don't think I'd do too well in prison.

More later.

Came through unscathed

Well, I seem to have come through my day without immigrants fairly well. I spent all day yesterday working (with some time off for lunch and dinner) and was immigrant-free for the entire day.

End Of The Line, April 2006

I started posting my End of the Line columns after the following month's issue had come out, and, as with everything else on this blog, that had fallen by the wayside. But I'll start up again. This one was written in the wake of a decison by State College Borough Council to go on record as being alarmed by the Patriot Act...

Helen Hokinson was a cartoonist whose work frequently appeared in The New Yorker in the ‘30s and ‘40s. Most often, she poked gentle fun at what one might think of as garden club or book club ladies: frumpy, befuddled, upper-middle-class suburban housewives and society matrons. Recently one of her cartoons popped into my mind. In it, a zaftig, fluttery club president was addressing her organization thusly: "The vote is now fifteen to one that we deplore Mussolini’s attitude. I think it would be nice if we could go on record unanimously deploring Mussolini’s attitude."

The thing that brought that cartoon to the forefront is State College Borough Council’s resolution, passed unanimously on February 21^st, to reaffirm the borough’s commitment “to the Freedoms Guaranteed by the U.S and Pennsylvania Constitutions.” The original form of the resolution singled out the Patriot Act as something that the council was concerned would “threaten civil rights and liberties guaranteed under the United States Constitution.” But after some State College residents protested, Council pulled out all specific references to the Patriot Act. Apparently these folks, strangely enough, thought that State College Borough had enough to worry about without giving the Feds a stern lecture on civil liberties.

No doubt Council members thought themselves quite courageous to speak up about these terrible threats to civil liberties, particularly in the current climate of government-inspired terror. You know: Karl Rove or Dick Cheney constantly listening in when you talk to Aunt Martha on the phone, neighbors disappearing in the middle of the night, being afraid to speak openly around the kids because you never know what they might repeat in school, FBI agents hovering nearby every time you visit Schlow Library… that sort of thing. And, of course, surveillance cameras on Beaver Avenue, watching every move you make. Let’s not forget those. Oh wait. Those were approved by State College Borough Council, so they’re okay.

But Borough Council has stared fear and persecution directly in the face and said HA! Fear this! And they have resolved to “join nearly 400 communities and seven states across the nation in expressing concern that proposed laws to fight terrorism,” (this is where, in its original form the resolution referred to ‘THE USA PATRIOT ACT and related measures’) “may threaten our civil rights and liberties guaranteed under the United States Constitution…”

And then it goes on to affirm that it will abide by the law of the land, preserving those rights and liberties, yada yada yada, as all good local bulwarks of freedom and liberty should do. And then it be resolved that a copy of the resolution will be sent to “all locally elected Federal and State officers, the Attorney General of the United States, and Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security.” That’ll show ‘em we mean business, by golly!

Now before you go firing off a letter saying how it’s patriotic to dissent, and how it’s not un-American to protest, and all that, let me just say that I couldn’t agree more. Dissent is patriotic. Well, not by definition, it’s not, but there’s certainly nothing inherently unpatriotic about good old fashioned healthy dissent. That’s how we got this country in the first place.

But there is such a thing as a useless and empty gesture. And this resolution fills that bill. For one thing, they just express some vague “concerns.” There’s nothing concrete, nothing in particular, no concern directly addressed. And think about it for a moment: If Council members really did perceive a grave threat to their civil liberties posed by “proposed laws to fight terrorism,” would they still have the guts to pass such a resolution? If they really did think that perhaps their income tax records would be probed, their phone calls monitored, the books they borrow from the library kept in their permanent record, would they have come up with this resolution? Or would they have just kept quiet?

It’s also worth noting that the only thing I have mentioned here that we know is actually happening is those surveillance cameras on Beaver Avenue. And I sure have no problem with those; they’re there for a reason. And it seems they may be working. We’ve been several years now without a serious post-Arts Festival disturbance. Hey, we’ve also been without a terrorist attack on this country since 9/11. Not drawing a conclusion here, you understand, just saying.

In this particular case, it seems to me, State College Borough Council is every bit as high-minded as the Hokinson women who want to unanimously deplore Mussolini’s attitude. And every bit as silly.

A Day Without Immigrants

Boy oh boy... I keep meaning to blog... particularly since now that Erika has put my blog address on my State College Magazine column, I might have some visitors. But I just never get around to it. Matter of creating the habit, I guess. If I think of it more often, I'll do it!

And today, I just happened to think of it because it's the "Day Without Immigrants," on which illegal --- oops, excuse me. I meant undocumented immigrants are boldly staying home from work, school and shopping to show us how essential they are to the US economy.

So, seeing as it's a Day Without Immigrants, I promise to do my part: I will spend the entire day without immigrants. I've been awake for 3 and a half hours, now, and so far, I've done it all without immigrants. Onward and upward! I'm goin' immigrant free! Unless I run into some Canadians who are out for a good time...

Ted Kennedy: Huge Wad of Human Refuse

Is there a more appalling figure on the American political stage today than the hypocritical, disgusting Ted Kennedy? To have this drunken windbag sitting on the Senate Judiciary Committee, bloviating and preening and making moral judgements of any kind is bad enough. But when he is actually listened to... when his word carries any weight at all... when this rotting whale carcass of a senator has real power, as he does... why, that's just a sad, sad commentary on the level of political and civil discourse in this country today.

All that need to be said in response to Senator Kennedy's manufactured "concern" over, for instance, the long-ago and forgotten membership of Judge Alito in some organization called the Concerned Alumni of Princeton, is three words: "Mary Jo Kopechne." It won't shut him up... it won't make him think or recant or slink away in shame, as it should. But it will serve as a reminder to everyone else, over and over again, what an enormous wad of excrement Edward Kennedy actually is.

Well, now I have no choice.

Okay, I've been meaning to get back to regular blogging for weeks now. Really. And today, January 3, I opened up State College Magazine to the back, to search first for my column, and there it was: The URL for this blog. So if you stopped by from there, welcome. I'll start posting stuff again tomorrow (Thursday.) No excuses for not having done this for awhile... I enjoy it, and it's just getting in the habit again. Besides... things are looking up. Let's just say that if 2005 wasn't the worst year of my life, it sure cracked the top five. More on that later.

Now, though, it's 8:00PM. Time for me to get to bed, because I have one more day of getting up at 3:00 AM to fill in on Morning Edition at WPSU-FM. Then it's back to my luxurious schedule of sleeping in til 4... then getting up to be there at 6AM. And I love it. Really!

Anyway, more later. Really. For now, just look through some of the old posts. And help yourself to any of the stuff in the fridge.

'nite...
~StB

End Of The Line, September '05

I guess maybe this sort of explains why I haven't posted in awhile. Been pre-occupied with a pile of life crap. This is the column from September:

I saw an interesting ad on TV the other day. It was for one of those outfits that sells glasses and frames. And they made quite a startling guarantee: the company will give you a free replacement if you wear your new glasses for two weeks, and “they don’t make you happy.” I wish I had had that guarantee when I purchased my new glasses a few months ago. Oh, I have no problem with the glasses or the frames. But I can’t say that they made me happy. I’m not particularly morose, mind you, but happy? It’s been a rough year, and I’m not sure that “happy” is the exact word I would use to describe my state of mind at the moment. “Cautiously optimistic” would be more like it. “Grimly determined” might be more appropriate on some days.
Life has its ups and downs is one of the more timeworn of our cliches, but an expression generally becomes a cliche if there’s a ring of truth to it. And boy, is that one true. I won’t burden you with a detailed list of the things that have made the past year or so one of the down cycles. They’re the normal grown-up adventures. Just when you think things are going along pretty well, along comes life and smacks you right upside the head.
Lousy business decisions on my part have contributed to it, my wife Sandie and I becoming caregivers for our rapidly aging parents (Here we are in our fifties and all four parents are still living: they must have done something right), a financial downturn or two, and other mid-life things. Like I said, I won’t bore you with the list. But what really gets me is that I look around and see that there are so many people who are either going through the same sorts of things, or far, far worse, and to a person, they seem to bear their situations with equanimity. Hardly a complaint at all. And it makes me realize how strong and resilient most folks really are. It also makes me feel like a real complainer... and then I realize that I don’t moan and gripe about my situation aloud too much either.
Honestly, I’m not entirely sure where I’m leading with this. I guess I’ll find out when you do. But I sat down with my buddy Jeff the other day for lunch (he’s going through his own problems) and I asked, sort of facetiously, “Is it my imagination, or was everything okay a year ago?” And he said, less facetiously, “I think it pretty much was.”
But I think the main reason for the forbearance with which people handle life’s problems is sort of an inbred optimism that seems to go along with being American. As I wrote those words, I swear I could actually hear a snort going up from the more cynical among us. Could see the eye-rolling. So, fine. Be jaded. But I really do happen to think that there’s a feeling abroad in the land that things will always get better. That next time, we’ll be the ones who get the golden ticket. That right around the next corner, there’s a solution, or at least a support group. That we’re not alone. And that at this time next year everything will be okay again. And if it’s not, that we’ll handle that as well.
So if you find yourself reading this on one of those days upon which you feel that you just don’t quite feel up to facing the world, or your current situation is more than you feel like you can tolerate at the moment, then take heart. No matter what happens, the world will continue to spin on its axis, life will go on, and you’ll have an up cycle before you know it.
And if you don’t, just take advantage of that glasses guarantee. That’ll make you happy. If not, you’ll at least get a free pair of new glasses.

Has it Really Been That Long?

How about that. I just looked to see when the last time I posted was, and it was June! I guess things just got away from me... it's not really that I haven't had anything to say, but I got the sneaking suspicion that nobody was reading it. No wonder it smells so musty and dank in here.

So let me get some windows opened up, air the place out a bit... dust some... better clear out some of these cobwebs... and I'll be back soon.

Tell ya what: I'll go get my latest couple of columns for State College Magazine and post those, okay?